


Frog Prince

by StarkNakedPatriot (Professor_Fluffy)



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016), Thor (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 23:44:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13535091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Professor_Fluffy/pseuds/StarkNakedPatriot
Summary: Who's the fairest?





	Frog Prince

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gaymelie](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Gaymelie).



The first time he meets Loki, the guy is sprawled on his back, batting at a cat toy on a string, as though he's not surrounded by a pool of blood and broken glass. There's a big blond guy passed out face down on the floor, a half-empty container of Cherry Garcia on the table, and all Dirk can think is the guy's been switched with a cat -- and not the amiable type -- the type that will piss on your shoes if it's food isn't microwaved and elegantly plated like expensive pate in solid crystal cat bowl at approximately 7:01 a.m.

If he were a real cat, the man would have a collar, but as it stands he’s about the only one who can really get the drop on Dirk, and he keeps showing up exactly five minutes into episodes of Dr. Who, like he isn’t committing the biggest sin there is outside the tightness of his trousers. 

He also abhors Tea, always drinking some snobby brand of coffee that’s probably been shit out a Puma’s arse like in the movie the Bucket List. He wants Dirk to figure out who tried to kill his brother. Dirk had made the mistake of saying he wouldn’t worry about it too much, it didn’t really matter if Thor kept smashing his face into vans and floors and giant fists since he was basically indestructible. 

Loki seems amused by this and adopts Dirk like some sort of house human, popping in and out of his car at random times, and draping himself over Dirk’s legs when he’s trying to read the paper. He knows what Loki’s doing, but he lets it slide. The man has very pretty hair. 

They don’t talk about the pool of blood, or where it came from, or why Loki likes to sprinkle catnip on the vanilla cupcakes he buys from Ms. Franstine down the street. 

“You know I stabbed Thor, right?” Loki says one day, out of the blue.

“Mmm,” Dirk keeps flipping channels. “Why do you think I didn’t bother investigating.”

“There’s this stupid story about three goddesses and a golden apple. Something I might come up with, really. Leave it lying there with the label to the fairest. I thought I could perhaps convince my oaf of a brother to fight with Tony Stark, a brief amusement. But then Stark’s woman happened by, and my brother, ever the gallant, hands it to her and says, “this was left for you, no mistake, the fairest in Stark tower. Were the contest between the warriors three, my brother and I, surely I would claim the prize, but in Stark tower, there is no one fairer than our lovely hostess.”

Stark, the fool, popped up from the couch where he was napping and aired his offence before being glared down by Potts. I can’t believe the oaf had the audacity to claim to be more lovely than I. “

“So you stabbed him?”

“Obviously, Loki said,” scrunching his nose. 

“You were the apple weren't you?”

“Maybe,” Loki was looking at him over the top of his frou-frou coffee, “you’re not bad at this detective thing, really.” 

“Hold on, then,” Dirk says, leaping off the couch. He comes back in the room and tosses Loki an apple. 

“What’s this?” 

“A golden delicious. Your brother is an idiot.” 

“Want to make out with a God, mortal?”

“I thought you’d never ask. But first, where is Thor? I haven’t seen him trending on twitter lately.”

“Oh, I switched his brain with a frog, he’s in a terrarium at the Bronx zoo. I might need a place to lay low for awhile.”

They spend several weeks watching Thor’s body, now possessed by a frog, hop around Hulk’s containment chamber in Avengers tower. Watching a body try and snatch flies out of the air with its tiny human tongue should get old, but it really doesn’t. 

Thor’s haunches bunch as he hops around ribbiting at any member of the team who wanders too close to the glass window outside his new containment centre. 

Barton brings up an old country cure for warts and Loki howls with laughter as the avengers douse his brother in piss to see if it will cure his condition. It obviously does nothing. 

The Avengers try the frog princess approach, but kissing him does nothing. Eventually, Nick Fury puts a stop to it when he stomps in, takes one look, and says, “You mutherfuckers thought?” 

By the time Loki pops in long enough to put Thor back in his body -- what, taking care of a frog is tedious work -- Thor is so grateful to be back in his body, he only tries to kill Loki a little, a smidge. 

“Do not vex me brother, or I shall turn your leader into a golden retriever. You earned this by claiming to be more attractive than I.”

“The Lady Jane said --”

Loki sneers, “The Lady Jane has left you, don’t make faces, your countenance looks very frog-like when your scrunch your nose like that.”

\---

Later, when Dirk and Loki are curled on the couch watching Cutthroat Kitchen, Dirk says, “I still think you’re the better-looking brother, it’s a mythological fact.”

Loki arches a brow in question.

“The story you told, about Thor dressing up like a bride? He had to hide his face with a veil. You’d never need a veil.”

Loki preens, pleased.


End file.
